this is duvetlyf new url~
i like to carry a stack of old books and my black leather satchel when i wear my cape and walk past the bailey buildings; the uni experience i always envisaged aged 6-14. before i learnt about drinking, i guess. the thing is i spent all summer learning how to rack up in the back of clubs without being spotted and listening to grimey music and developing a hide leaving me unperturbed by 4am walks through the city, all in preparation to become this Person who i’ve had to file away since coming to university. only now, slowly but surely, am i waking up this other Person who dwells in my early adolescent grey matter, dusting her off and wearing her again. how is it you can go from someone who’s ultimate dream is to go to Oxford and wants to learn three languages and read all of Shakespeare before they turn twenty one to someone who needs music where they can’t figure out the lyrics because haziness is next to godliness and your number one priority is to fuck a man over 30 before you turn 20. we meet somewhere in the middle with a love of black coffee and french film. the interesting thing is i was Person 1 and then i met X and for a long time i was X’s Person and now i’m determined to be my own Person i don’t know whether to be Person 1 or Person X1 or Person 2 or Person 1.1 you know? the hardest thing is i used to be academic some of the time and creative the other times and hardworking but lazy and dedicated but commitment phobic and it all got very annoying and i could never identify with anything because my opinions would always contradict each other after a few hours, but now it’s even worse because i feel all these things at the same time so now i’m a lazy, non-academic at a world class university who manages to be a sluttish prude or a prudish slut with no ambitions and all the dreams in the world. shut up shut up shut up. usually at this time there’s not a light on in any of the adjacent blocks, but tonight there’s one cell illuminated. stacked living. i’ve used standard punctuation and grammar in this, what do we think? i should like to be your friend, lit-up relative. winter ball tomorrow, i’m dressing as a widow.